The Spice of Life

A few days ago, I decided to go Christmas shopping in Chestnut Hill.  I’ve been avoiding the malls and my “normal” shopping locations this year because of the memories that are triggered.  But I needed a walk and thought that shopping in a different place would be “safe,” and I have wanted to return to the Hill since Harry Potter Day a few months ago.  Plus, the boys were out for the day so I could wander at my own pace.

The first place that I visited was Penzey’s Spice Shop.  I spent a few minutes browsing and ended up next to the barbecue section.  I took the lid off of one of the sample jars and sniffed. Mmm… cumin, oregano, hickory smoke, and a bit of a spicy kick… I could get this for Dan…

BAM.

For a few seconds, I had a very vivid memory of standing next to Dan at the barbecue behind his and Shannon’s apartment.  He had made London broil that night and was talking to be about his “secret” spice mix for the marinade.  A little of this, a little of that.  How he made a “less spicy” one for people who “couldn’t take heat.” It was so typical to find Dan next to the grill, and he could not resist the urge to check up on a grill when he wasn’t in charge.  He also couldn’t resist the urge to make sure that everyone would walk away from one of his barbecues stuffed.  If one burger was good, then a steak, a burger, and some clams were even better! (He had a thing for Vidalia Onion Bubba Burgers.) This was one of those little moments that I’d forgotten about.  One of those little quiet moments that I’d taken for granted, because it was so normal. And for a few seconds, I was back there.  I could smell the charcoal and hear the sizzling and watch him play with the food because he could not stand still.  

The whole incident couldn’t have lasted more than 90 seconds and then I was back in a brightly lit shop holding a big jar of spices in my hand.  I felt a little bit shaken, and I had to walk around a little bit before I could continue shopping. This is the first time that I have ever had that strong of a reaction to a scent.

As I finished my shopping, I thought of how it was Dan who first introduced me to the idea of going out for barbecue. The last time I ate out with him was at Sweet Lucy’s.  We had made plans to go to the Tiki Bar with Jon and Stacie in the summer of 2014, so we could grill our own meals.  Another thing that I didn't get to do. Later, I read on some bereavement forums that some people keep something that their loved one wore close to them to feel their presence, or a jar of favorite cologne to smell.  Apparently for me, the scent of barbecue is what it takes to bring back a little bit of my brother. 

I bought a jar.

He's With Us Always

Chris finds Dan in the middle of Delaware :-)

Got this photo today from Uncle Chris, with the subject line, "Remembering Dan anywhere, anytime, always."

Hot Potato

When Ben and I were still living in an apartment in Delaware, my family joined us one evening for a Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers movie night.  I served burgers and potato salad and onion rings (to tie into the Lord of the Rings theme.) In a spur of Martha-ism, I made a red, white, and blue potato salad.  For some reason, Dan was freaked out by the blue potatoes and refused to eat the salad. Very odd, considering that this was the guy who would eat Mongolian Beef omlettes.

I had not purchased purple potatoes for 10 years but bought a bag of tri colored potatoes today, with the intention of making potato salad.  I brought the water and potatoes to a boil, stepped away for a while, and returned when the timer went off.  I looked into the pot and the water had turned bright blue.  I tried to test the potatoes for doneness and found that all of the blue ones had completely disintegrated in the pot.  The red and white ones were fine. 

It seems that someone was still voicing his opinion about purple potates!

This picture has nothing to do with potato salad but I like Dan's expression.

 The guys on the fishing trip will have to remember this for the potato salad contest in August.

Relay for Life 2014

Dan's Luminaries

We went to our first Relay for Life event last night.  This is a 24 hour event, where people walk around a track to raise awareness and funds for cancer research.  The main focal point of the event is the luminaries display.  For a donation, participants can dedicate a luminarie in honor, in support, or in memory of a loved one who has or is battling cancer. The luminaries stretched almost entirely around the track- that's a quarter mile! For about a half hour, the field lights are turned off, and the luminaries truly shine. 
 

Of course, we could not resist reorganizing the bags so that ours were all together.

Dan said hello to my parents last night: 

More shenanigans last night at Upper  Dublin Relay for Life. Steve and I stopped for a few moments in front of Dan's luminaries to soak in the moment. Tears came to my eyes and when I looked up to the sky I saw the thinnest Cheshire cat moon smiling down on us. I elbowed Steve to look up. He did and we both smiled at each other and continued to walk around the track. LIVESTRONG.

Regards,
Judy

Our family bags were part of a display that stretched around the track.

In which Dan takes over my playlist

Tom Petty Concert, June 2008

On Saturday, I had the house to myself for a few hours.  This is a rare thing.  I opened up all of the windows and turned on Pandora, ready to do some much-needed spring cleaning.  Here are the songs that Pandora “randomly” selected for me:

1. “Man on the Moon” (REM): This is the song that I listened to on my way home from Abington Hospital, after Dan’s 2005 liver resection.
2. “Learning to Fly” (Tom Petty):  Mark and Paul surprised Dan with Tom Petty tickets as a Penn State graduation gift.
3. “Losing my Religion” (REM): As mentioned here, Dan and I had a REM connection... and when Pat was going through the DVD/ CD collection, he found one of my CD's.
4. “Pictures of You” (The Cure): No Dan connection per se, but I have been pouring over pictures a lot in the past few months. ("There was nothing in the world that I ever wanted more
   than to never feel the breaking apart- all my pictures of you.")
5. “Jeremy” (Pearl Jam): The part that made this one especially eerie was that the song was a recording of the State College concert in May 2003.  Dan was at this concert.  His voice is a part of the roaring of the crowd.    

Once I realized this, I decided that I had dusted enough for one day and I turned the radio off.

It is hard to describe how I felt when the room was quiet again.  My thoughts were full of Dan.  Nothing specific, just his smile. I missed him very much, but for once, these thoughts did not bring a wave of tears.  I looked out to the yard, felt the breeze flowing over my face, and thanked him for saying hello.

* * * 

In other Saturday Shenanigans, a horse named Wise Dan won the Woodford Reserve for the second year in a row.  (This race is run as a part of the Kentucky Derby Festival.) 

A Beautiful Tribute

Last picture of the McLaughlin Cousins- June 2009.  Moira is seated, second from left.

 Today's post was contributed by my Aunt Theresa. 

There may have been some heavenly shenanigans going on today.  Ever since Dan's funeral, Moira has worn a little yellow every day to keep the memory of Dan close.  Usually, that has been in the form of a yellow ponytail holder that she wears as a bracelet.  I suggested that she could make a real bracelet that would be nicer than that.  So, today we headed to Michael's to look at their jewelry supplies, thinking maybe she'd make a stretchy bracelet of yellow beads, or maybe a black one with a single yellow bead.  Well, we were overwhelmed by all the options, and a bit distracted by all the pretty beads and charms.  Strangely enough, we didn't see any beads that were Livestrong yellow, except for some cheesy plastic ones.  We went through the whole jewelry-making section 3 times, debating what to do.  Moira eventually decided on a particular style that she'd like to make, so we then looked for beads that would work for that.  I told her to look for something that speaks to her.  While once again looking over a selection of glass beads, I expressed frustration at the lack of any solid yellow ones.  Polka dots wouldn't do.  I pointed out a swirly-looking one and said it's the right yellow, but too bad it's just a swirl in a clear bead.  Moira took the card it was on, spun the bead around and said, "It's a yellow flower - like the ones Dan was buried with."  When I looked closer, I saw that she was right.  Sold.  I then pointed out a green one and asked if she wanted to add that as a symbol of liver cancer.  She liked that idea, and then wanted to find another yellow flower bead to put on the other side of the green one.  But the one she had spun around was the only bead of that type that looked like a flower.  So I said that maybe we could find a Celtic cross or something, since Dan was proud of his Irish heritage.  We were perusing the same wall yet again, when Moira excitedly noticed that there was a four-leaf clover on the same card as the green bead we'd picked out.  Not a shamrock, but close enough.  We looked at each other and said, "This is kinda spooky."  She had been looking for something that "speaks to her", and found these beads that we had both looked right past before.  It really made us feel weird in a physical way, and goose bumps rose on my arms.  Who'd have thought Dan would help Moira design a bracelet?

Moira's Bracelet- A Beautiful and Unique Tribute to Dan

Dan's Flag

2013 Red Barron Memorial Fishing Trip Attendees with Lineup of Shirts on the Yurt

Dan setting the flags up on the site.

 This post was written by my Mom, Judy.

On Sunday I was going through some of Dan's stuff when I came across his LIVESTRONG bag. He had not unpacked and the tears started to flow as I found two Unker shirts (red and yellow), a green Phillies visor, a deck of cards, a bag of change and the Don't Tread on Me flag. As I held the flag to my chest I cried quite hard wishing  in some way I could call out to him and tell him, "I found your flag!" Then the Mom in me took over and I became angry that he had not unpacked and put his stuff away.

Now that I have had some time to calm down and put this in perspective, maybe this is one of those Dan signs letting me know he is ok. Mom, I've gone to play poker and fish with angels. Don't worry, I'm in good hands.

Regards,
Judy

Dan's Flag

Signs of Dan in South Carolina

Our first guest post was submitted by my cousin, Lex, from her sister's graduation from basic training.  Noel left for training about a week before Dan passed away, and was unable to travel to Philadelphia for the funeral. 

Today at Noel's graduation we were in the car and she was saying how she was upset she couldn't be there to say her goodbyes. Just then we pulled on to Daniel street. We took it as a sign he was there supporting her and saying he understood.

Buttercups

Buttercups!

Whenever asked, Dan would say that his "colors" were black and yellow. (Livestrong colors.) To honor this, we incorporated a lot of yellow into his memorial service. The photo boards were black with yellow trim to replicate the Livestrong logo, and we asked family members to wear a touch of yellow to the service.  Almost all of the flowers were white and yellow. Nancy and Ronnie purchased a beautiful bouquet of yellow roses for the memorial gathering that they graciously hosted. As guests left the lunch, Nancy gave them flowers from the bouquet and reminded them to "share the love."

I woke up on Saturday morning after a few days of rain to find that our back yard was covered with buttercups.  I looked to the left and to the right and I saw that the buttercups stretched throughout the neighborhood.  I do not remember seeing buttercups at all in the yard last year. Ben was a bit upset, saying that he would mow the lawn as soon as the yard dried out.

I thought that Dan was saying hello by sending me a little bit of extra sunshine.

Hard to see, but the buttercups extended for about a quarter mile down the block.

On Carrot Cake

At the time of this writing, it's been 7 weeks and 2 days since I last saw Dan.  Sometimes I feel like it hasn't been that long, and other times it feels like an eternity.  However long or short it's been, I have already been surprised at how many little signs of Dan have appeared. Amazingly, most of these signs happen when I am having a particularly "down" moment.  I choose to interpret them as signs that he is okay, and that he wants me to be, too.

Diz makes carrot cake for Uncle Dan

One of these signs occurred during an afternoon run to Starbucks. I had been having a particularly low afternoon and I decided that an afternoon pick-me-up was in order. (In other words, a giant cup of strong coffee.) I was in a complete fog when one of the baristas leaned over the counter and offered me a carrot cake muffin. I was immediately filled with emotion as I took the sample.

We celebrated McLaughlin Christmas in early January 2014.  When we celebrate holidays in our family, everyone contributes something special to the meal.  I had volunteered to make dessert. At that point, I wanted to make sure that Dan enjoyed this Christmas party and I knew that he was having trouble eating, so I asked him what he would want to eat for dessert. Dan approved my recipes for peanut butter pie and raspberry mouse cake, but then made a special request for carrot cake. I shouldn't have been too surprised- Dan and I both shared the favorite dessert of carrot cake, yet I had never made one.  I'm not sure why.  Even though he was very sick at that point, Dan helped me select a recipe. Diz helped me make the cake. And even though he was having a very hard time eating, Dan ate a slice at the Christmas party. He even sent me a text that night, thanking me.
 

Diz learns how to frost a cake

There were many times where Dan challenged me to push my boundaries.  Most of these were physical or intellectual. But other times, he simply encouraged me to pursue my interests. I am glad that he encouraged me to bake for that party. And I will make that recipe again someday and not feel sad, but happy that I tried something new.

Two months later, when I took that sample in the Starbucks, I was immediately taken back to that day when I made that cake, and he tried a little piece for me, and smiled, and I could not help smiling too.  And when they asked what I thought of the carrot cake, I said that it was very good... but not as good as "Dan's."