A few days ago, I decided to go Christmas shopping in Chestnut Hill. I’ve been avoiding the malls and my “normal” shopping locations this year because of the memories that are triggered. But I needed a walk and thought that shopping in a different place would be “safe,” and I have wanted to return to the Hill since Harry Potter Day a few months ago. Plus, the boys were out for the day so I could wander at my own pace.
The first place that I visited was Penzey’s Spice Shop. I spent a few minutes browsing and ended up next to the barbecue section. I took the lid off of one of the sample jars and sniffed. Mmm… cumin, oregano, hickory smoke, and a bit of a spicy kick… I could get this for Dan…
BAM.
For a few seconds, I had a very vivid memory of standing next to Dan at the barbecue behind his and Shannon’s apartment. He had made London broil that night and was talking to be about his “secret” spice mix for the marinade. A little of this, a little of that. How he made a “less spicy” one for people who “couldn’t take heat.” It was so typical to find Dan next to the grill, and he could not resist the urge to check up on a grill when he wasn’t in charge. He also couldn’t resist the urge to make sure that everyone would walk away from one of his barbecues stuffed. If one burger was good, then a steak, a burger, and some clams were even better! (He had a thing for Vidalia Onion Bubba Burgers.) This was one of those little moments that I’d forgotten about. One of those little quiet moments that I’d taken for granted, because it was so normal. And for a few seconds, I was back there. I could smell the charcoal and hear the sizzling and watch him play with the food because he could not stand still.
The whole incident couldn’t have lasted more than 90 seconds and then I was back in a brightly lit shop holding a big jar of spices in my hand. I felt a little bit shaken, and I had to walk around a little bit before I could continue shopping. This is the first time that I have ever had that strong of a reaction to a scent.
As I finished my shopping, I thought of how it was Dan who first introduced me to the idea of going out for barbecue. The last time I ate out with him was at Sweet Lucy’s. We had made plans to go to the Tiki Bar with Jon and Stacie in the summer of 2014, so we could grill our own meals. Another thing that I didn't get to do. Later, I read on some bereavement forums that some people keep something that their loved one wore close to them to feel their presence, or a jar of favorite cologne to smell. Apparently for me, the scent of barbecue is what it takes to bring back a little bit of my brother.
I bought a jar.
Many of us neglect the sense of smell when it comes to memories but it is very powerful. Visual signs easily upset us (Nutcracker gifts, favorite ornaments) as well as audio (Blues Traveler and Feliz Navidad) but the scents of Christmas also trigger many memories. The tree scents at the lot (as well as finding this year's tree in the same spot as last years' ), the smell of the cookies baking and the candles burning all remind me of Dan. I also have to admit that I found a bottle of his Axe body wash that I kept to get a whiff of Dan when I need one. (He used my scrubby so many times until I told him that stuff makes me sneeze and please use a different one.)Perhaps his love of barbecue led me to choose brisket for this year's Christmas feast. We will enjoy one of Dan's favorite scents all day long as Steve smokes the brisket - shenanigans!
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